There’s quite a few things that I’m suppose to put down here (yes, the law requires me to do so), so let’s see how many of it can make its way in before I retire and call it a night.
First, let’s address the big gap between this entry and the previous one. My cable connection went down for awhile and consequently I have to live without internet for four to five days, which makes me wonder: about half of my life is still lodged on the internet. What would my world become if one day I lose it completely?
Or, in other words, if I died and stopped doing anything on the internet, would anyone (who only knows me on the net) even notice? They could have just said “oh, he’s not online much anymore” and be done with it. That kind of impersonal apathy scares me to death.
If it comes to me, I think that what’s worst than dying painfully is dying painfully without anyone knowing, as if you’re simply being forgotten, your existance eliminated from the memories of those you love and care for.
Not that I have much to love and care for anyway – switching topic.
Next comes the non-coded version of the coded topic. Since school is out for the summer I’ll have to put down any chance for romance for a few months. It makes me feel rather lonely, deserted, and desperate, but luckily at least I have normal friends that takes the pressure away somehow; for that I’m glad. So, as far as I know, next year will be the last chance for me to score anything if I plan to score anything at all – the situation is pretty grim, actually.
Tsugi.
Which brings me to the topic of my view toward finding “love” so far in life (or, currently in life). I think I’m only trying to find it as sort of a search for a unique experience, like how you’d want to go bungee jumping or skydiving someday. In that regards, I don’t feel that I’d be fair to whoever I’d be partnered with should that happens; it’s rather selfish but still, it could be fair if the other party isn’t seeking anything in return either. This is how relationships can actually work out, right? I mean, I alreay know that two people desperately searching for someone to fill the void would only jointly increase it four-fold; but two people who are in essence complete will not seek but instead compliment each other.
Or something like that. Back to real life.
Without a job, I really don’t know what I’m going to do this entire summer – I’m not doing any soul-searching like I did a few years ago; I’m not up for crazy trips like 2001; I’m not up for leisure trips either like last year, since I’m flat broke. I refuse to sit on my fat ass (okay, thin ass) and do nothing, but there isn’t much that I can actually do right now. If anyone has any connection to any campus jobs back in UCI, I think I’m willing to stoop as low as cleaning toilets — or else, my father is going to drag me to work with him, and that’s… bad, in many undescribable ways.
I still haven’t talked about that other trip I took in 2001 yet, have I? I promise I’ll write later.