Insomnia Induced Reflections

When everything your life starts to boil down to a single word that you’re all too obssessed about, maybe it really is time to take a step back, think it out, and figure out if this is actually going to work or if I’m just going to start freaking people out.

Extending this premise further, let’s try this ordeal again: I don’t even know what I’m looking for. For the most part, I don’t even know what I’m really obssessing about.

Since my oldest brother, who came back and will probably be gone for awhile, is cleaning out his room for the last time, I also found a lot of old writings that I’ve written, and mangas that I’ve read. They all bring back haunting memories of what I once thought love was, that vision I believed so much that it’s stronger than any religion that I had conviction in, so much that I’ve ran over the forbidden wall into a world filled with nothing but regrets.

Which leaves me wondering, what in the world am I searching for now? Is it all physical? Am I just searching for sex, as I havebeen so blatantly, outspokenly declaring for the past two years? To be honestly, even though that could be true, it sounds awfully boring; I mean, despite the fact that women are pretty and they are, if sex is it then there really isn’t much to life. Of course, since I have no experience of it it’s much too early to pass judgements on it, but God damn it, for the sake of my sanity I’m going to pass judgements on it anyway. So no, this doesn’t seem like the way to go.

There was this one self-improvement book that I’ve read in the far past, saying that love is two people dissolving their boundries, accepting each other; then there’s this one advice that (I trust this is a friend; I forgot) I remember saying, “if two people are only together because they each lack something and are trying to find that something in each other, it’s a sign of doom because they are both empty and will find nothing in one another.” What does it mean to accept one another anyway? Any friends can do that for me. Good friends would. We chat, we gamble, we laugh and have a good time. So this must not be what I’m looking for either.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I think this is like one of those “I want to try it just because I haven’t tried it before” deals. Like skydiving. Like bungee-jumping. And honestly, I think this is a pretty God damn good reason to look for love. For the heck of it. To see what it is. Maybe just to confirm if what I had can truly be called love. To confirm what I saw in others and see if those can be called love.

I’m afraid that I’d lose the chance for that experience.

I’m thinking of going for it.

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