I can’t sleep. For the last week or so my schedule slowly reverses so that I feel energetic at 4 in the morning and feel like I want to fall apart at 4 in the afternoon.
Having a stranger comment on my post is a rather interesting experience – strangers are always more objective when they look at my posts because of the fact that they don’t see me in person, and see how I act in real life.
In fact, reading my friend’s LJs proves the same point. This only adds to my distrust on personalities online – it’s a little too far beyond skin deep, you’re trying to understand a person from the inside out. Gross.
But to make a light addition to the two heavy posts about Daisy and Shari, there are examples of successful romances – even one that occured online – in the small circle of my life. My oldest brother, whom I mentioned, met his wife through the internet and consequently they’re now married. We being the supportive yet apathic family when it comes to personal matters, I never asked what’s the real deal behind what appears on the surface. Or, I could care less. Or, more probably, I’m afraid to ask.
This fear extends beyond talking to people about things; I’m afraid to do things, to see things, to listen to things, I’m afraid to do anything that isn’t in my “stock experience” pile. I’m afraid of going through the drive thru. I’m afraid to buy Korean BBQ that was temporarily setup on campus. God forbid, I’m even afraid to grab free pizza. For some strange reason I simply cannot formulate thoughts in English fast enough so that I can effectively communicate without looking like a dumbass – I usually end up looking like one regardless, which so reinforces my behavior. Actually, I don’t think I can speak “fluently” in any language anymore – my Cantonese diminishing to terms used exclusively in family situations, my English slow and cluttered, my Mandorin and Japanese simply pathetic.
Actually, thanks to some lucky turn of events (I still believe I am a lucky person, despite constant complaints), I can now try and practice my speech; I can do well whenever I know exactly what I’m talking about (usually in ICS classes and with classmates), and I just fumble for everything else even when it’s something as simple as “I want an order of Korean BBQ please”.
I should probably stop here. I’m finally feeling sleepy and people have tendency to skip long posts.
I’ve stopped writing for awhile because I almost believed that too many people would find out what this whole ordeal is about. It doesn’t take much for one to make educated guesses about this partiuclar section of gibberish and arrive at some obvious conclusion.
Then I thought, if it’s so obvious, she would have realized it already. Well, she hasn’t, so my guess is that she doesn’t know and she never will.
Even then, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m simply jumping from one girl to another as the “object of my affection”; just a temp position to fill a role that cannot be truly filled, as the qualifications are as high as the heavens and the payroll falls on the other end of the spectrum.
Still, it never hurts to hope that one day she’ll find out and read all the way back to the first post when I mentioned “her”. It would be even stranger if I found another “her” and she goes back and read my obssession about all the different “hers” across my life.
No matter. It seems that soon I will be relieved of my duty to attempt to blow the matter wide open. Which I won’t. If I have been refusing to do it for more than 20 years, I trust that my body would follow the instincts to fall back to my pile of “stock actions”, namely, to sit and wait and not do anything meaningful toward any goal in this context until it’s too late and I’ll spend another 200 entries sighing and wondering what the hell I was thinking when I could have done something different.
Her perfection is intact, though, making it all the more harder to try and raise myself above the status-quo. Would I actually be able to raise myself above the status-quo if I try? My “stock experience” answer still tells me that she’ll reject me completely.