As for my emotional welfare

What can I really say? I’m still sulking over the lost of a potential lover. It depresses me that there’s so little you can actually do against the tide of the world, and luck is usually the factor that takes over.

I’ve also been visited by people from my old church recently – I really can’t help but feel compelled to go back. There’s nothing I can really do, despite the popular believe of “freedom” – we’re the puppets of God and all strings remain attached even if you want to believe differently. In fact, belief really makes no difference – destiny basically pulls your strings and mold your life into whatever it pleases. While I can voice my complaints and record these tales of sorrow, there isn’t anything I can DO. I feel infinitely troubled by this and it was one of the few reasons why I contemplated suicide before.

I’ve already told you this, but I’ll just write it down for the record that I can’t believe how people can change so quickly and unpredictably – or maybe I’m living a life that’s too logical? Whatever I do, I consider the consequences, seeing that the past experiences of similar circumstances yield me positive results, I go ahead and do the thing I do – but all the girls I’m involved with just don’t run by logic. One day they’re saying “you’re the one” or “I’ll never fall in love with anyone”, the next moment they’re saying “sorry, the magic is not there” and “I think I’ve fallen head over heels over this guy”. It’s an eternal torment that somehow seems to try and curse my way of logical thinking, to crush my sense of cause and effect.

I raise my angry fist at God. What I fear the most is, when I’m in danger or maybe just in the near future, I’d fold my hand and simply drift back to my old church. I’ve finally experienced why “ignorance is bliss”. Those people simplify this world so elegantly and so flawlessly that, even if the world says completely different, once you believe their ideals, you’ll never have to worry about anything, ever again. Why care about doing the “right” thing when nothing you do is exactly “right” or “wrong”? Just go and do the “god” thing and bury yourself in the security that everything is alright.

Those people from the church will surely return. These are the days where I make my last stand – I may crumble and fall, but I’ll never forget this year when I stood in defiance and told God to go fuck himself so I can try and do something on my own – and failing miserably.

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