Pain and Suffering

Since I have mistaken some deadlines and successfully lost my application for Financial Aid, I just lost priority profiling and it’ll also mean my debt goes up to $12000 next year. Actually, $15000 or more, since now I’ll also need to pay for the new and improved tuition rates.

CAE T-Shirt is nowhere near done. I’ve literally wasted an entire week on failed sketches, drawing the same pose over and over and over again until I gave up and started shooting people randomly in Postal 2.

I’ve also mistaken the deadline for my ICS 143 homework. According to the syllabus, I just lost 10% of the total credits I can get for the class. My best hope for the class is now a C. And of course, anything below that means I’ll have to retake the class, means I’ll not be able to graduate in 5 years, means that I’ll have to pay another five to six thousand dollars in wasted tuition.

I’ve messed up last two Japanese quizzes and I’m barely managing on my homework. The only sure A is falling short also. I have less and less faith in the class as the days go by, not because I have lost interest in Japanese but I’ve lost interest in the class overall. My classmates are, shall I say, intellectually uninspiring… oh who am I kidding, they’re all f*cking retards. Including me.

Let’s not start mentioning that I’ve done nothing for Justin and his AMV.

I’m four weeks behind in loads of homework in my Math 6C class. Midterm is this coming Thursday and if I don’t pass this one, I will hang myself in the basement if we have a basement in the first place.

The only relief is that my back finally stopped sending me jolts of pain every time I bend, but my body is still rigid and unresponsive.

This is surely one of the worst week that I’ve run into since a long, long, time ago.

Guardian Angels

This will be complicated. Part of this story will involve my general opinions, part of it involves my past, and part of it should be coded because it involves a part of my life that I don’t like to openly disclose. Excuse the stardust as we fly all over the timeline as we discuss the past, present, and the imaginary.

Let’s first clearify that being a guardian angel doesn’t mean that you kill yourself and become some invisible angel and fall in love with someone and fall and become a fallen angel a la “City of Angels”. I’m talking about a real life situation where you (male mostly) commit the better half of your life to serve someone you love, but without the knowledge of the other knowing; it’s a one way crush with a materialistic twist, if you want to put it bluntly.

Why the topic? I just feel like it.

I used to believe that being someone’s guardian angel is a very noble idea. I mean, what better way to live your romantic fantasy than to be your lady’s Knight in Shining Armor(TM)? To always be there for that one, to serve and to protect without ever asking for anything in return; perhaps the story might actually turn out the way most story goes and the girl realize that you’re watching over her and loves you back in return.

As you might have guessed, this works terribly in real life. I speak from experience, though a short one. This and other past events had convinced me that I must change the way I look at romantic relationships or I’ll be forever destined to be doomed in hell (not that a change of opinion really changed my fate, actually, but I have more acceptance toward it).

On to the darker side of my history.

Three years ago, when I first started studying in OCC, I met this really pretty girl. She backed up all of my definition of a “perfect partner”: long, straight hair (didn’t expect that one coming, did you? I remember telling someone that “I have no standards.” It doesn’t mean she wasn’t pretty though, obviously.), cute face, lean body, and to top it, an irresistably sweet voice. Yeah, let’s just say that when you hear songs about how some girl was sent from heaven, it was how she felt like to me.

More incredibly, she was the one who found me sleeping (no less, *sigh*) in the library and started talking to me. We shared some rather mundane class together (so mundane I forgot what kind of class it is), and she asked me some questions about that class, and that’s how we technically met. The next day, she dragged me (literally with her hand) to her US History class. It ended up being that she was a transfer student from Hong Kong and so considering that she had no previous knowledge of the subject, college level US History was simply killing her. So, not knowing that sit-ins is as common in college as ditching classes, I took the “risk” to sit in with her, technically going to every lecture with her for the rest of the semester. Hence, the entire “guardian angel” incident began.

So it came to pass that everyday I would spend hours after sitting in her class to explain the lesson to her. I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a pain that she’s really bad at history, so time usually drag on long enough that we’d have lunch and even dinner together before exams. So it came to pass that I’d follow her everywhere, help her out whenever she needs translations or help with homework (and obviously there’s the “let me copy your homework” part, but let’s get back to that later). Her friends know that I’m “with” her and so does my friends, but me still being the devoted Christian that I was, I rejected the idea of “dating” or “premature relationships” and forbid myself to ask her out or do anything that indicated I had any romantic interest toward her. As so it came to pass that a quarter passed and the last exchange we had was just plain “bye”. Nothing added or deleted from that sentence, just “bye”.

Now, this is (at least I think this is) what I would call a guardian angel type of relationship. Actually, life would have been better if the story ended like that. It was inconclusive, but at least my dream wasn’t broken and everyone got a little something at the end of the story.

During the next semester, she and I had entirely different classes and so, without any contact information exchanged, we simply stopped “seeing” each other. One day, I was casually walking around the campus when I saw her walking with another guy. I thought, okay, that’s reasonable, she can have male friends, right?

Maybe a week later I saw her with another guy. And another. And another. And the guys around her keeps changing like weekly fashions, and I get to see most of it since the campus is small enough that we can find each other rather easily.

So one day, I was working alone in the computer lab and she found me again, this time with problems from yet another class. She also introduced me to the guy standing next to her. We exchanged a glance and I immediately know that he was walking in my shoes. He was guarding over her like a bloodhound over a house. So I made and excuse and backed off. Soon after, more dramatic events led me to make other dramatic decisions in my life, but seeing how this post is so ridiculously long that I’d rather save that history lesson for some other time.

I’ve learned my share of lessons about how not to try and predict what a girl is actually thinking, but years of reflection had made me realize that there’s only two possibilities that things had turned out this way, that

1) She had feelings toward me and my reluctance to advance toward her hurt her, resulting in her looking for a bunch of men in direct revenge.
2) She probably was a “player” who solely used men for her own gain; mostly in the form of goods and services.

I would vote for the latter, given my pessimistic nature. Not that I have not had my share of being used by women in the past… ever since I moved to the US there had been people who wanted to copy my math homework every year before college (the joke is on them, I’m not even good at math)… but never had I felt so close to truly “loving” or “being in love” than that experience; believing that you have given everything you can and recieved such cruel fate in return can really break someone in pieces, especially since I really don’t have much to depend on in life than a chance for love.

So it comes to past.

Artist’s Block…

There had always been debates among artists about whether artist’s blocks truly exists or if it’s just our lame excuse for saying “I’m feeling f*cking lazy today so f*ck off”.

Actually, that’s not even what’s happening to me today. I’m drawing things well, just not the things that I want to draw. What’s even more frustrating about it is that it happens all the time, not like a bio-rhythm where you go between “normal” and “wierd” or “once in a month” deal.

There’s an old Chinese quote that roughly translates to “When you spend all of your effort planting flowers, the flowers won’t grow; but throw a seed for a tree and it’ll grow into a shade by itself.” I don’t like what the quote implies, but it is happening to me right now.

Yes, this is about the picture for the CAE T-shirt. I can’t do it. Just-can’t. Instead I find myself going off and doodling for concept art for my other flash games. And just to let you know that I’m not doing this because I’m some “self serving bastard who only draws for himself”, I kept thinking about the CAE characters and actually came up with quite a few good ideas for posters and such when I was working on the game.

I honestly believe that if I can somehow set my mind so that I’m completely focused on working on another flash game, the CAE T-shirt will get finished in 2 days. Such is not the case. Pity is I.

In other news…
Extreme. Extreme. Extreme. We want it and we want it now. You know you want to get one for us loyal students/players/DDR slaves… do not attempt to fix the monitor… it will not work…

At this rate, I’ll need to use JointRitis really soon.

Boring day today.

Was suppose to work on the CAE T-Shirt today, but I got close to nothing done. I’m really disappointed at myself. My whole body aches~ stretching and cracking them is only making it more painful. George once said that he’d be laughing at me if I get Arthritis before I’m fifty. Ur, you can probably start laughing about now. I’ll be getting them really soon.

I also feel tired, drowsy – I slept for more than half of the day if you count afternoon naps. Also, the new art room that my father built takes time getting used to – I’m crammed more when I work on my computer desk but I’m more used to that niche. Even though I have to admit, the art room has a nice view of the backyard and it’s clean and neat and tidy and I have all the room in the world ot leave my drawings and art supplies on the table to go back and work on them later. I can’t possibly do that on my computer desk.

Life Interlude

I need to say sorry to everyone in the Zot crew because I ditched and went home when I said I would go to In n’ Out. I really did feel tired at the time, and I still do. It must have been fun fun time that I missed, so the memory of missing that should be enough punishment for me.

I will crumble in a second.

Spiderman was right. “With great power comes great responsibility.” Only that this time, I don’t get any superpowers and the responsibility is going to take me down into the depths of hell.

My personal webspace got partially frozen up probably because of bandwidth drain – I haven’t talked to my friend who is hosting my page for a long time. I can imagine how piss off he is for doing this to him. I honestly didn’t expect a crowd this big — It would have made a nice joke back a year or two ago about things like this, but when it actually happens, it’s just plain scary.

I just spent the last 4 hours “working” – answering reviews, looking through my code for bugs, answering e-mails, sending hopeless request for someone else to host my thing–

There’s also lots of implication that might come with having the game come into the wrong hands — I’m sure that the fact that I ripped sound tracks from popular anime and video games is going to come back and haunt me.

I’m scared, I’m really scared right now. Of course, I can imagine that most of it is just me and me dreaming about how “big” this can get when it’s just something that’s going to last probably until tomorrow and everything would be forgotten and the world would be right again.

Fast forward to today…

I found my game on the front page of NewGrounds today, accompanied by a personal e-mail from Tom Fulp (the creator of himself. I am speechless right now.

News on Ronin

The game recieved the honor of “review crews pick”, “user pick of the week”, is ranked on #1 in “top 20 of the week” and “top 50 of ALL TIME” and it’s STILL NOT ON THE FRONT PAGE…

DDR Updates

Newly passed: Naoki Neo Standard (double), Soul 6 (single). It’s about f*cking time, that’s all I’m going to say. I’d love to do Classics if I have the skill to do it; right now I’m thinking more about working on my first AAA. Sexy planet seems more possible than .59, but they both seem very doable.

In other news, I finally get to be Nathan once on VirtualOn. There’s some terribly messed up strategies that you can use for that game. Messed up as in you slice up the other guy in 15 seconds. That’s just not right.

I also got to stage 2-2 in Time Crisis 3, much to my surprise. I was so “in” it for a moment there, probably because I had a game of TC1 beforehand?

In other other news, Sid reminded me that my schedule for next year is just plain screwed up and incorrect. So that means I will not be able to take any Japnese next year. Unless I want to minor in it and get a specialization in AI and maybe also get a minor in Digital Arts and take two more years to complete my UCI career.

Whoa, that didn’t sound too bad, save for the fact that my parents will go after me with a butcher’s knife and I’ll slit my wrist with my own ezkill butter knife ™…

Today’s short interlude

Today sucks.

Nobody ever told me about my Japanese composition so I didn’t do it at all.

It rained and I didn’t bring my umbrella when there’s one sitting in my car.

Got my ass handed to me by Nathan on VirtualOn.

Went online and play Tactical Ops, got my ass handed to me again by people I don’t even know. You ever get this sensation that you want to bring a real gun, find every one of these mofos who head-shotted you, and blow their face apart so they’ll never be able to frag you online again? I do.

So the only good thing that happened today was to have my LJ setup thanks to George and Cindy. Thank you, and thank you again ~.~


I didn’t want to keep that. Don’t you trust me enough? In the past I thought we were just a click out of sync, but now, even when you’re there, I can see how hopeless this case had turned out to be. Of course, to have different demands in life would make the entire idea even worst, but what can I do but watch?